Answer: when you show up at your family reunion & meet 5 of your ex-wives
Submited By: sodnahc
2004-03-12 08:15:20
Joke: how many babies does it take to cover a wall???
Answer: 1 if you throw it hard enough
Submited By: hEIDI H.
2003-10-20 03:59:54
Joke: A MAN GETS KICKED OUT OF A BAR, SO HE STARTED DRIVING, YOU KNOW. A POLICEMAN COMES UP AND ASKS HIM"HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING? YOUR EYES LOOK BLOOD-SHOT." THE MAN ANWSERS"HAVE YOU BEEN EATING DONUTS? YOUR EYES LOOK GLAZED."
Submited By: Anonymous
2003-09-12 11:42:36
Joke: You might be a redneck Jedi if...
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok... without using the word "chicken".
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side.. .it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.
You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
More than half the droids you own don't function.
The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.
You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
Sandpeople back down from your mama.
You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.
You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.
You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.
The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
Submited By: Anonymous
2003-06-08 01:27:44
Joke: Where do red necks go to get there beer?
Answer: out side.
Submited By: Anonymous
2003-06-02 12:21:41
Joke: Redneck Driver's Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
Submited By: Anonymous
2003-06-02 12:20:36
Joke: At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Submited By: Anonymous
2003-06-02 12:19:42
Joke: The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337
Submited By: Anonymous
2003-06-02 12:17:50
Joke: Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Submited By: Anonymous
2003-06-02 12:15:45
Joke: Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
